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How to help

How to help a friend with an eating disorder

Written by
Bridget Clerkin
BA
Reviewed by
Eric Patterson
LPC
Editorial policy
Health disclaimer

If you're having the thought, "I think my friend has an eating disorder," but aren't sure what to do about it, the situation can feel overwhelming.

It can be difficult to know how or when to help, and how to support a friend with an eating disorder can often look and feel different, depending on the person's needs, history, and where they are on their recovery journey.

But there are some things you can do to help your loved one recognize, talk about, or find help for their condition.

9
 minutes read
Last updated on 
November 21, 2023
November 21, 2023
How to help
Helping a friend with an eating disorder
In this article
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What to do if your friend has an eating disorder?

If you're wondering what to do if a friend has an eating disorder, the tips below may be able to help you approach the situation and find your loved one the treatment they need.

Learn about their disorder
Before stepping in to help or even talk to your friend, it's important to do some research. Your friend's behavior may well be related to an eating disorder, or it may not be. The best way to know if your friend has an eating disorder is to learn about it.

Eating disorders are complex illnesses. They can manifest in many ways and are often accompanied by a host of less obvious symptoms that may seriously impact your friend's physical, emotional, and mental health.

If you have an idea of which eating disorder you think your friend may be struggling with, you can begin researching that topic in particular. If not, you can read more about eating disorders in general or more common eating disorders, such as binge eating disorder (BED), anorexia nervosa (AN), and bulimia nervosa (BN), to see if any of those conditions look like the disordered eating behaviors your friend is displaying.

Learning more about eating disorders can also help you better understand what your friend is going through. This can help you empathize with them, ask them more helpful questions, or better understand the type of help they may need.
Talk to them
Talking to someone with an eating disorder can be tricky, but it's one of the best options for how to help a friend with an eating disorder. Broaching the subject can be stressful, especially if it's your first time, and discussing it may make your loved one feel upset or defensive.

The National Eating Disorders Association has several tips to help make the discussion as smooth as possible, including:1
  • Agree on a time and place to talk. Somewhere quiet and private is best. Think of times when your friend won't be distracted by other obligations. This will all help ensure your words are heard, and your friend will be more likely to be open to what you have to say.
  • Rehearse what you want to say. When discussing something this sensitive, it can be easy to be overwhelmed by emotions and say something you don't mean. Practicing what you want to say will help the conversation run more smoothly.
  • Use "I" statements. Something like, "I have noticed you aren't eating meals with us anymore," helps keep the conversation observational and steers it away from blaming your friend for their actions. This is opposed to statements like, "You're not eating enough," which can be perceived as inflammatory and make your friend feel attacked.
  • Ask open-ended questions. Examples include "How long have you been feeling this way," or "How do you feel?" But it's equally important to keep an open mind about your friend's answer.
  • Prepare yourself for a bad reaction. Your friend may have any number of reactions to this conversation. They may feel angry or defensive that you brought up the topic and lash out at you. On the other hand, they may feel embarrassed and shut down completely.
The important thing is not to be discouraged by any reaction to this conversation. Remember all you learned about what your friend is going through to keep things in perspective. Take a breath, or walk away if you have to. Then, regroup and try again.
How to help:
Show them support
Helping a friend with an eating disorder is an ongoing process. Once you've let your friend know your concerns, you should continue opening yourself up as a source of support. Cultivating the type of relationship where your friend feels safe to honestly express any body image issues, food-based concerns, poor eating habits, or other experiences they're going through is key.

To help build and maintain this type of rapport, there are a few things to keep in mind:1,2,3
  • Be honest. Don't hold back any concerns you may have for your friend during their recovery. Likewise, don't be shy to let them know how proud or happy you may feel for their progress. However, keep in mind that not everyone recovering from an eating disorder is OK with comments about their progress, so it may be best to ask about boundaries and triggers.
  • Be caring. Watching a friend struggle with an eating disorder is extraordinarily difficult. You may feel like you don't know what to do if your friend has an eating disorder and is struggling in recovery. Try not to let your frustrations leak into the conversation. Remember everything they're going through and all the hard work they're putting in, and approach these conversations from a place of genuine care for your friend's well-being. It's important to remember that they're dealing with difficult emotions.
  • Remove the stigma. Remind your friend, if you need to, that there's no shame in struggling with an eating disorder or talking honestly about that struggle. Remind them that you're their friend no matter what.
  • Be there. What sounds like the most straightforward concept may be the most important. Responding to their calls or messages, listening to your friend, or even just sitting next to them in a difficult time can make a huge difference in their recovery.
Again, it's important to remember that recovery is an ongoing process and rarely represents a straight line. Keeping yourself open to your friend can provide a crucial point of stability along a difficult journey.
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Actively help them
Knowing when or how to incorporate yourself into your friend's recovery journey actively can be tricky. Some people with eating disorders may want more help than others or feel more or less ready to receive outside suggestions.

It's highly important that your friend seek professional help in this case. But, outside of their treatment sessions, the best way to help a friend with an eating disorder may hinge on your discretion.

But a few ways to more proactively support a friend with an eating disorder include:1,2,3
  • Reaching out. Your friend shouldn't always have to be the one to contact you. Keep up with them and check in regularly to remind them they're loved and see how they're doing.
  • Helping them find professional help. Many people struggling with eating disorders may feel overwhelmed—or outright uninterested—by the idea of seeking help. As a friend, you can help encourage them otherwise. If the process of accessing treatment feels too tricky and complicated, offer to help them research some eating disorder treatment programs or providers or look into insurance information or other burdensome tasks that may present roadblocks. Remember: Eating disorders treated earlier on tend to have shorter recovery periods.4
  • Finding support services and groups for them. People with eating disorders deserve support, whether in the form of a friend or from a group of others struggling with similar body image or mental health disorders. What to do if a friend has an eating disorder is help them find eating disorder support groups available online and in person.
  • Spending time with them. No matter where your friend is on their recovery journey, they will likely appreciate knowing they're not alone. If they're open to spending time with a friend, it can be incredibly helpful to not just be there for them but with them.
If your friend seems resistant to seeking treatment but is still displaying eating concerns or warning signs, consider consulting a family member or other friends to more strongly encourage them to seek support. However, it is also important to respect your friend's autonomy and privacy, so make decisions to involve others carefully and ideally discuss this with your friend first if possible.
It's important to seek professional help before medical complications arise that pose a risk to a person's health.
Take care of yourself
Regardless of how much you want to help a friend with an eating disorder, it's important to remember that you can't pour from an empty cup.

Equally important as supporting them is keeping your own well-being in mind. Helping someone struggling with a serious mental illness can take a lot out of you mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Make sure you meet your physical and emotional needs and do not become burnt out by overextending yourself. You can work with your friend and other trusted individuals in their life to establish a care network so that they aren't relying solely on one person for support.

Even as you offer time and support to your friend as they go through their recovery process, remember that you need and deserve time and care for yourself, too. Sometimes, the best way to help a friend with an eating disorder is by remembering to take care of yourself.
If your friend's disordered eating concerns you, virtual treatment may be the answer.
Learn more >

Helping a friend with an eating disorder find treatment

As much as you may want your friend to get better, the journey toward recovery is ultimately theirs to take. So, if your friend doesn't feel ready to commit to recovery or starts slipping after a period of progress, it's important not to blame yourself.

Instead, you can help them find additional professional support. At Within Health, we pride ourselves on helping all types of people struggling with all types of eating disorders through our comprehensive online program. You can contact us today to see how we can help you or your loved one.

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Disclaimer about "overeating": Within Health hesitatingly uses the word "overeating" because it is the term currently associated with this condition in society, however, we believe it inherently overlooks the various psychological aspects of this condition which are often interconnected with internalized diet culture, and a restrictive mindset about food. For the remainder of this piece, we will therefore be putting "overeating" in quotations to recognize that the diagnosis itself pathologizes behavior that is potentially hardwired and adaptive to a restrictive mindset.

Disclaimer about weight loss drugs: Within does not endorse the use of any weight loss drug or behavior and seeks to provide education on the insidious nature of diet culture. We understand the complex nature of disordered eating and eating disorders and strongly encourage anyone engaging in these behaviors to reach out for help as soon as possible. No statement should be taken as healthcare advice. All healthcare decisions should be made with your individual healthcare provider.

Resources

  1. How to help a loved one. (n.d.). National Eating Disorders Association. (2021, August 27). Retrieved July 12, 2022.
  2. Smith, M., Robinson, L., Segal, J. (2022, June 15). Helping someone with an eating disorder. HelpGuide.org. Retrieved July 12, 2022.
  3. How to help someone with an eating disorder. (n.d.). United Kingdom National Health Services. Accessed November 2023.
  4. Recovery. (n.d.). National Eating Disorders Collaboration. Accessed November 2023.
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FAQs

I think my friend has an eating disorder. How can I be certain?

If you're wondering how to know if your friend has an eating disorder, one of the best ways to get a better understanding is doing the research. There's a lot of information online detailing the different symptoms, signs, risks, and warning signs of eating disorders. Learning more about these conditions can help you better understand if your friend may be struggling.

If you feel comfortable, you can also approach your friend and directly ask them if something is wrong. But if you try this approach, remember to be very careful with your words, as kind and supportive as possible, and to do so in a private setting.

How to support a friend with an eating disorder?

It may sound simple, but one of the best ways of helping a friend with an eating disorder is simply being there. Letting them know they can reach out to you for support, to talk about concerns they may be having, or just to relax and try to feel okay is a great way to support a friend.

How do you know if your friend has an eating disorder?

Again, in this case, knowledge is power. Learning about different eating disorders and how they present in different people is likely the best way to understand if your friend may be struggling with one of these conditions.

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